We Shit Gold

GP came under the guise of a waste management company who’d come to rid us of our faeces. Of course we had local companies who could do this and in fact, did the job pretty well. Most people were amused and some asked questions but they just dismissed it after a while; if the Americans wanted to pack African shit, they were welcome to it. Not us though; we were suspicious right from the beginning, just as we had been trained to be.

It did not take us long to discover what they were really here for. We found out that the American company, GP, was actually Gold Poopers. That was our first clue. We tried to obtain more information but we were stalled by the ogas at the top. It became obvious that our government had some sort of secret deal with the expatriates. The SSS worked for the government but some of us were ready to oppose an irresponsible leadership, not openly of course.

One night, about two months after our investigation was brought to a halt, my boss called. Mr Laoye was one of the most honest men I’d ever known and he was a highly efficient SSS official, one of the very best. He informed me that we would continue with our investigation. By the end of that week, he had two other guys and a lady on the team. These teammates of mine were also in the SSS but I had never met them. We even had to use fake names to address each other. Within a few weeks, we found out the reason we had foreign companies cleaning up our poo. It was as shocking as it was amusing. Scientists had found trace amounts of gold and other precious metals in human waste and had now invented a commercially feasible means to extract it. They could extract up to $13million worth of precious metals from the faeces of 1 million Nigerians. They did the extraction in hidden laboratories, exported the gold to their country and left us with the shit. Nigeria, apparently, wasn’t the only country this was happening. We wondered if even the government knew everything. We had uncovered their secret but then, what next?

Today, we commence operation WAGS (We Are Gold Shitters). Our mission as spies is to learn the ways in which this extraction is done so it can be replicated by HAYAT LABS, Nigeria’s foremost bio firm. They are the ones funding this operation. While Mr Laoye believed this was the best way he could help his country, I’m just in for the money and well, maybe a little gold.

Photo credit: threedonia.com

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