“Marriage is Not an Accomplishment” as Tweeted by Habiba da Silva

This was one of those tweets you hear about before you see them, and yep! I was dying to see what this Habiba’s all-famous, TL-shattering tweet was. And when I finally saw it, I literally went “AAAAHHHHH” in typical Yoruba girl fashion (refined with a bit of Igboness).

The first thing I wanted to see was her best friend’s reaction.

Perfect. What could she have said? It was the perfect intro to the bashing that was to come but then Habiba throws this in perhaps in an attempt to provide some sort of soft landing.

Can’t say it worked. First, this guy believes Habiba is against marriage somehow. I totally get why he would think that and why he would respond the way he did. To be honest, the tweet could be interpreted all shades of wrong. At first glance, it did seem like she was attacking marriage. When I saw the tweet, I totally got what she was trying to say but I had to exclaim because it was clear the kind of attention it would get.

She did say she was going live on Insta to expatiate on the matter. Maybe she didn’t or maybe I was late to the party. Whatever the case, I got to see a few of a certain somebody’s wedding pictures! 😀

Is marriage an accomplishment?

Society: yes!!!

Society is not always right but unfortunately, society has such an incredible hold on us. You get married too young, it’s a problem. You get married too old, it’s a problem. The question of whether or not marriage is an accomplishment wouldn’t even pop up if not for the pressure mounted on women to put marriage above all else, especially when the well-being of the woman in question is ignored. I refuse to use the word “happiness” because it can be ambiguous. Anyone could interpret happiness to be anything from having a million children and toiling to please your husband, to watching Indian series all day and waiting for hubby to come home.

A woman’s physical, psychological and spiritual well-being are more important than her perceived happiness because the woman who is psychologically or physically abused by her husband may genuinely be happy in her marriage, even if she lies to herself until she believes it. Or haven’t you heard of the ones who can’t stand a marriage because the man is so good to them? They’ll be happier in a more abusive relationship because that’s all they know. I feel as bad for these women as you do.

Quick story: Aisha’s parents liked Ahmed so much they decided he had to marry their daughter. She resisted and resisted until she finally agreed to the proposal. She was even excited about getting her henna done on the eve of the wedding. On the day of the nikkah, she didn’t show up.

While the names in the story are fictitious, the story is true. I heard it from someone who heard from someone a few days ago. My reaction to the story? “You go, girl!” Some girls refuse to let society shackle them, as it should be.

Marriage is not an accomplishment if a woman (or man) ends up deprived, unhappy, or unhealthy as a result of a marriage she didn’t want. Marriage is an accomplishment if the husband and wife strive to make each other better people with each party genuinely concerned about the other person’s happiness and success. Marriage can be the most important accomplishment a person achieves, especially when all else fails because let’s face it, life is harder for some than it is for others. Marriage can be the only thing that keeps one sane in the face of all the crap that life brings sometimes. But what do I know? I’m not married. Yet.

Is education more important than marriage?

This, I believe is circumstantial, or should be anyway. Should a girl abandon an education because she’s found a suitable man to marry? Absolutely not.

On the other hand, if it’s a man she would like to settle down with and who wholeheartedly supports her dreams and is genuinely interested in seeing her grow then there’s no reason to not go ahead.

I don’t know the statistics but I’m certain it’s not every man that would support his woman as much as she’d like. Some would claim they will but at the slightest hint that she may become better or higher than him in any way, he begins to feel threatened. Such men irritate me, to say the least.

This lady makes reference to the first revealed verse of the Quran to support her argument that getting a degree is more important than marriage.

I get what she’s trying to say but I don’t agree with taking verses of the Quran or hadiths and bending them to support whatever argument you’re trying to make. That a verse of the Quran encouraging education came before the Prophet (S.A.W) said marriage is half of the deen is utterly irrelevant to the topic at hand.

Marriage and education are both worthy pursuits and either may be more beneficial for a person at one point or another in their life. Should you delay marriage even if you’ve got this awesome suitor because you want to get your dream job or your Masters/PhD first? I don’t think so.

I understand if you’re not sure he’ll let you fly but that may be solved with a bit of good ol’ communication. I believe these things are about balance and maybe tying the knot with a partner you know will always have your back might end up being the best thing to ever happen to you. Your education doesn’t need to suffer because you’re fulfilling half of your deen but then again, different strokes for different folks.

A few more notes on a few more tweets

This guy was vexed, plus a hint of something else…

And for all my sisters who are stuck on romance…

This sister can’t be blamed for saying this, doesn’t mean she’s right though…

Yep. She said it all…

Update: I found a better word for it: marriage is not an accomplishment, it’s  a milestone.