We Shit Gold

GP came under the guise of a waste management company who’d come to rid us of our faeces. Of course we had local companies who could do this and in fact, did the job pretty well. Most people were amused and some asked questions but they just dismissed it after a while; if the Americans wanted to pack African shit, they were welcome to it. Not us though; we were suspicious right from the beginning, just as we had been trained to be.
It did not take us long to discover what they were really here for. We found out that the American company, GP, was actually Gold Poopers. That was our first clue. We tried to obtain more information but we were stalled by the ogas at the top. It became obvious that our government had some sort of secret deal with the expatriates. The SSS worked for the government but some of us were ready to oppose an irresponsible leadership, not openly of course.

One night, about two months after our investigation was brought to a halt, my boss called. Mr Laoye was one of the most honest men I’d ever known and he was a highly efficient SSS official, one of the very best. He informed me that we would continue with our investigation. By the end of that week, he had two other guys and a lady on the team. These teammates of mine were also in the SSS but I had never met them. We even had to use fake names to address each other. Within a few weeks, we found out the reason we had foreign companies cleaning up our poo. It was as shocking as it was amusing. Scientists had found trace amounts of gold and other precious metals in human waste and had now invented a commercially feasible means to extract it. They could extract up to $13million worth of precious metals from the faeces of 1 million Nigerians. They did the extraction in hidden laboratories, exported the gold to their country and left us with the shit. Nigeria, apparently, wasn’t the only country this was happening. We wondered if even the government knew everything. We had uncovered their secret but then, what next?

Today, we commence operation WAGS (We Are Gold Shitters). Our mission as spies is to learn the ways in which this extraction is done so it can be replicated by HAYAT LABS, Nigeria’s foremost bio firm. They are the ones funding this operation. While Mr Laoye believed this was the best way he could help his country, I’m just in for the money and well, maybe a little gold.

Photo credit: threedonia.com


We Crack Like That

So I decided to write a story in pidgin (Nigerian pidgin English). I’m terrible at speaking pidgin by the way…

No be everybody wey suppose dey waka for streets. Me sef, na God save me. Na small tin remain, I for no survive for this place. Me wey be fine boy, talented. I just dey here dey waste, dey scrape one kain life, dey sleep under bridge. From grace to grass. I never ready to yarn una my story sha.

Meanwhile, e get this girl. Her name na Oroma. Dat no fit be her real name but the girl yellow like orange wey don too ripe on top tree. Dat kind thick yellow… abi na orange. Na the fruit wey dey make us call the colour “Orange” abi na the colour wey dey make us call the fruit “orange”? Wetin you think?

So, this Oroma girl, her bodi sef stiff like orange tree. (I don too talk orange. Maybe na because I dey chop am now as I dey yarn you.) I dey wonder how she dey take give all these area boys with her bodi like back of tree. I hear say if you just give am like #500, she go give you somtin. I hear say she dey sell okrika for market. E be like say na wetin she dey take the moni do be dat. I no get #500 to waste on top olosho but today, I go see am. I get job for am.


“Baby baby, how far na?”

“Hmm. Ali, this one wey you call me so, you get somtin for me?” If you see as she dey take chop chewing gum ehnn…my hand just dey scratch me to slap am. With im bleached orange and yellow face.

“Ehn, I get work for you.”

“Hian! Work ke?!”

“Na simple tin.” I come tell am wetin e go do for me. You see, this kind job dey very controversial (abi na confidential), so I no fit tell even you wetin e be. For you to know how the job take be, even Oroma no know the full details but she no know say she no know the full details. Sha, she gree say make I pay am later. I dey give am like 10 times wetin boys dey give for im services. I no talk say I no get moni, I talk say I no get money for olosho. This moni still dey come sha.


Ah. Night don reach. E be like say I crash for Kodo stand. Kodo na plumber but you no need that information. As I dey stand from the bench where I bin crash, na im person flash torch for my face. Even as sleep still dey my eye.

“Who be dat?! Abi you don tear craze?!!”

Before I fit say another tin, person just tear me correct slap for ear. I swear, e reach the other side, the sleep disappear. As my ears dey ring like say Sele dey ring that their bell for inside my head, na so dem start to beat me. Na every part of my bodi dem wan break. Wallahi, I no fit take my mouth describe am. But, omo if dem beat you until you no fit shout again, then na die be dat o.

“Leave am!” Wetin dey again to leave? But that na Kodo voice. If e no come rescue me then…

No be Ali dey tell this story again o, na Kodo. This idiot bin send Oroma to carry my Gravel.
“Ali, I bin tell you say make you deliver my 24-7 for me. You no gree. So you don dey plan to go carry am behind my back so I no go get share for my own tin abi?” The idiot no fit even talk as im face don swell finish. I no even know where im nose dey again. “Make I just tell you. Oroma dey bottom of lagoon and you go join am soon.”

**Okrika – 2nd hand clothing
**Olosho – prostitute
**Gravel – crack
**24-7 – crack

Photo: Lamudi

Grim Reaper

“Take me.” She said.
“Take me now.” She was so weak it was barely a whisper but he could hear. Even as he could hear her fragile heart within her broken chest beating irregularly.

He didn’t have to speak to her but he said, “Wait, your time is not up. Only a little time left.” He didn’t need a watch to know just how many milliseconds she had left. It would run into a few days by the way humans calculated time. But what was time to him? He could reap a billion souls from their bodies in the blink of an eye. That’s what he’d been made to do anyway. He knew whose turn it was and when. He travelled faster than light or sound. The humans would never understand. They knew nothing, with their technology and tall buildings and all their science. They knew nothing.

“Why are you here if my time is not up? Don’t you have other souls to take?”

Her voice was no longer a whisper. Good. “I’ve gone 21 times since you last spoke. You didn’t notice.”

“Oh. I don’t notice a lot of things. Why hide your face under that hood though? Have you a face?”

She was unconscious now. This was when the true nature of a person’s spirit became manifest. He replied her, “I believe I do. Your body might not awake again.”

“Pfft. I don’t mind. It was too painful anyway. Do you feel pain?”

He wasn’t sure what to say as he realized he couldn’t remember ever feeling pain. He knew it like he knew himself. His very existence was entwined with pain but he’d never felt it. He asked instead, “You don’t mind dying?”

She was silent for a while then she replied, “I don’t know. What is death like?”

He didn’t know exactly what to tell her. He wished he could find colourful words and beautiful metaphors with which to describe death but he couldn’t. She’d been through so much already. Staring in her eyes, he realized this was the first time he would contemplate not doing his job. He’d felt reluctant several times before when he’d think of the pain he’d have to inflict on a pure soul but he’d known he would do his job no matter what. This though. He was sure he did not want to do it. He felt rebellion swelling in his heart. He didn’t like it. Perhaps he could ask HIM to spare this girl.

He shook himself from his thoughts when he heard her soft moans dripping pain. If only he’d kept the conversation going, perhaps she wouldn’t have woken. He couldn’t talk to her now she was conscious. Her hour was very close now. He wasn’t sure if he had it in him to not do what was required of him. He hoped some sort of miracle would save this girl but who would find a poor servant girl like her 100 feet below Iti’s cliff in Uma’s evil forest. She’d been running from her master for days, hounds on her trail. She’d suffered. He didnt want to dish out the pain of death to her.  He wanted her to live and be strong and fight the monsters that had led her here.

Sensing a presence, Onwu turned around. “Aja.”

“HE has heard you Onwu. HE knows what stirs in your heart. The girl will live. I am to give her the warrior’s kiss.”

Onwu knew it was true. He could see that she had a long life now. HE had heard him. He would meet her again when she was wrinkled and mottled all over. “Thank you.” He muttered.

Déja vu

Immaculate in white, I feel calm, pure, powerful.

Legs crossed, eyes lowered, typing away on my phone. A story yet without form.

You sit beside me. I’d hardly noticed the bus stop or the lady that had been in your seat leave. From my side vision I can see your bushy brows, your beardless face. I don’t recognize you but I know you.

By the way, my breathing has become shallow now. My heart beating…irregularly? Oh no. I’ve been through this before. I’m not doing this again. I take a deep unsteady breath and clench my jaw.

Ah yes. As I was saying, I know you stranger. Not from my past. Maybe from my future?

Ahhh yes. Déja vu. Now I know what you’ll do next. You’ll get up and go. I force myself not to look up as you leave. In my premonition though, did I look up? I suppose not.


“We shouldn’t do this. You really don’t want to.” He said as he looked into her eyes, desperate for her to understand. He wanted her badly but he didn’t want to do this to her. It would change her forever.

“Yes, I do.” She was scared and yet she was bold. She wanted this but knew she shouldn’t. She knew she was being stupid and reckless. She knew she would regret it many times over but then all she wanted was him. She knew he wanted her too and she wondered why the world wouldn’t let them be together.

“You are going to regret this. You’ll never forgive yourself. Please stop.” He wanted her to stop, to disappear and go somewhere safe. And yet, he didn’t want her to stop. He wanted her to stay forever and give herself to him but he knew he wasn’t good enough for her. There was better out there for her if only she would look.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” She stepped away from him and pulled her veil close. He was right. He was horrible for her and she knew. They would only cause each other anguish in this world and the next yet she couldn’t break their bond, whatever it was. Perhaps she would continue to wait for him somewhere far away, safe from each other. She was at the door when he called…