We Shit Gold

GP came under the guise of a waste management company who’d come to rid us of our faeces. Of course we had local companies who could do this and in fact, did the job pretty well. Most people were amused and some asked questions but they just dismissed it after a while; if the Americans wanted to pack African shit, they were welcome to it. Not us though; we were suspicious right from the beginning, just as we had been trained to be.
It did not take us long to discover what they were really here for. We found out that the American company, GP, was actually Gold Poopers. That was our first clue. We tried to obtain more information but we were stalled by the ogas at the top. It became obvious that our government had some sort of secret deal with the expatriates. The SSS worked for the government but some of us were ready to oppose an irresponsible leadership, not openly of course.

One night, about two months after our investigation was brought to a halt, my boss called. Mr Laoye was one of the most honest men I’d ever known and he was a highly efficient SSS official, one of the very best. He informed me that we would continue with our investigation. By the end of that week, he had two other guys and a lady on the team. These teammates of mine were also in the SSS but I had never met them. We even had to use fake names to address each other. Within a few weeks, we found out the reason we had foreign companies cleaning up our poo. It was as shocking as it was amusing. Scientists had found trace amounts of gold and other precious metals in human waste and had now invented a commercially feasible means to extract it. They could extract up to $13million worth of precious metals from the faeces of 1 million Nigerians. They did the extraction in hidden laboratories, exported the gold to their country and left us with the shit. Nigeria, apparently, wasn’t the only country this was happening. We wondered if even the government knew everything. We had uncovered their secret but then, what next?

Today, we commence operation WAGS (We Are Gold Shitters). Our mission as spies is to learn the ways in which this extraction is done so it can be replicated by HAYAT LABS, Nigeria’s foremost bio firm. They are the ones funding this operation. While Mr Laoye believed this was the best way he could help his country, I’m just in for the money and well, maybe a little gold.

Photo credit: threedonia.com

Marry Me


Photo credit: http://snippetandink.com/

Maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or something but this was my first post published over a year ago. Enjoy…:)
Life is hard. Yes it’s true. While Chi Chi, Onyi, Ada, and Ngozi are getting married, some of us are just here staring at our bare fingers, day-dreaming about the size of the ring when it comes…and Lord, please let it come now!

As predicted when we first started school, some of my classmates have gotten married in our final year, and even more are engaged. Now, some people might say, “why didn’t they finish school first,” and others, “oh, that’s nice, a woman shouldn’t waste time.” Well, this is not an argument about whether they should get married or not (I really don’t think it’s anyone’s business), it’s about what this is doing to “the other girls”.

Let me explain what I mean: Imagine that Ada is engaged and would be getting married, but her friend, Oge, doesn’t even have a reasonable boyfriend/toaster. What do you think will happen? Of course, Oge will get jealous, and this does not necessarily mean that Oge is a bad person. Even worse than getting jealous, Oge might just hop on the next marriageable guy that comes her way. Marriageable to her might mean a guy that’s about 10 years her senior and “can take care of her.” She may not mind that she doesn’t really love him or that he seems to have a temper, or he thinks she has “k-leg”. OR she would get into her next relationship, expecting marriage right from the start, and always analysing the guy’s ability to take care of her.

This does not affect Oge alone, it affects many of the girls in class. You begin to hear things like, “this one wey everybody dey marry, when my own dey come na?” Or “my dear, your friend is getting married o, when should we be expecting yours?” And the rest who do not say anything are secretly praying for their own husband to come.

Girls, listen up! It is good to get married but there is time for everything and everybody’s time is different. You shouldn’t be worried about marriage at 19 or 20, you have your whole life ahead of you! Focus on your education and making yourself successful, most men don’t want a liability. Besides, who on earth told you that you need a man to make you happy? Just take it one step at a time and when the right man comes, you’ll be ready.

“I can’t befriend you if you don’t propose to me,

    If you didn’t know, wo, aburo mi ti marry.”

  •                                                                                             – Falz (Marry Me)